Becoming Unrecognisable To Myself: Living With Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder
As part of Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) Awareness Month, we interviewed four different women with the condition to better understand their lived experience. We wanted to share these conversations and really open up this space for anyone who is struggling with PMDD, or for those wanting to learn more about supporting someone in their lives who is.
TW: this article mentions suicide.
Can you describe what it’s like to live with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD)?
"I have found living with PMDD very lonely and isolating as I have struggled to understand it myself let alone describe what I’m going through to the people around me. I act out in ways I cannot understand, think in unpredictable ways and when it’s at its worst I feel in a constant state of instability, anxiety and depression. I have a huge lack of understanding of myself that dramatically affects my day to day, my relationships and my work."
Have you received a diagnosis? If yes, how was this process? If not, is there something holding you back or making this difficult?
"I was never diagnosed. I repeatedly went to the doctors from the age of 13 regarding it but never felt seen. I was immediately put on the pill. When this didn’t work they recommended anti depressants for the 2 weeks of the month it badly affected me but this is never anything I wanted to do."
"I ended up being on the pill for 9 years even though it wasn’t actually beneficial to me - I just felt very lost."
What have you found helpful in dealing with PMDD? This could be tools, techniques, therapies or other.
"I had hypnotherapy when I was younger which I found helped a lot. However this was when I was very young and I have not been able to access it since due to financial reasons. I found getting involved in daily practises of mindfulness has helped my overall wellbeing which in return my PMS."
"I have also started tracking my cycles to understand patterns. However it is a constant process of figuring out how to deal with it and I would love more advice and education supporting this. I hear so much information online I do feel quite lost in the most affective approach to tries."
How can people around you support you?
"It would be helpful if people had more of an understanding and education of it however I know if I struggle to find information and understanding then that’s quite a lot for others to do. People around me have always been patient which I will always appreciate."
How does PMDD affect your relationships and/or work?
"PMDD affects my relationships and work immensely. I can become unrecognisable to myself for a couple of weeks each month which in return makes me unrecognisable to my partner, friends and family. There’s a numbness, sadness and emptiness that overpowers my body and mind. My anxiety sores, panic attacks kick in and this affects my communication with people around me. It stops me putting myself out there and doing things that are good for myself. I can’t face most regular tasks I normally do which in return affects my day to day and work."
What is the most difficult part of dealing with PMDD?
"I think the most difficult part is how much it has affected my relationship with myself and therefore my relationships around me. I can really hate myself during those times. At bad times, suicidal thoughts flood my conscious and this pulls me out of my normal routine of life. Because I have such a big bounce back and feel amazing the other couple of weeks of my cycle people really struggle to understand this difference. This can be really lonely."
How does PMDD shape your relationship with your menstrual cycle?
"I have always hated my cycle because of it. However I am now learning to love it as it is a part of me and a powerful part of womanhood. I feel blessed to be a woman and I am going to nurture myself as much as possible moving forward to control and love my cycle."
If you would like to learn more about PMDD, check out our blog post Understanding PMDD, where we dive into causes, symptoms and how to navigate treatment and support. You can also check out our other PMDD interview series here.
At Lena, we believe nobody should navigate this condition alone. We are sharing resources, support and conversations so that we can all understand each other better and support and nourish the women in our lives.
Written and edited by Dr Rachel Denham, a trained medic and Women's Health Practitioner, who has worked across the charity and humanitarian sector and now specialises in women's health. Rachel is the creator of Bloody Nora, a women's health and wellbeing zine that fuses storytelling, art and science.
